Allowing Myself To Be Happy

I have a hero complex. For the last four years I’ve basically forced myself into martyrdom. I thought it was my place. What I was supposed to do. Sacrifice and sacrifice so others could be happy and successful. I firmly believed I wasn’t meant for happiness and success, I was meant to make sure the world was happy.

What the actual fuck has been wrong with me?

Like how fucked is it that I haven’t been genuinely happy in four years? It’s not even like someone did this to me. I did this to myself. I legitimately have thought that being happy isn’t for me????? Goddamnit Vanessa of the past few years, you’re a dumb bitch. A dumb bitch with a big heart but a dumb bitch regardless.

My motto has been, “I will never take someone’s light to make mine burn bright.”

In theory, an excellent motto about being kind to people. The motto did not mean:


I’ve legitimately had breakdowns of me mentally abusing myself for trying to do things for me. It’s been a whole lot of yikes for a long time.

I’ve worked at a job tirelessly trying to do everything and fix the problems at the expense of mental health and at the expense of my relationships with people. I’ve not brought up when people have hurt me or done something to wrong me because “they have they’re own issues and I can’t be another thing for them to hate themselves for.”

I’ve been a doormat and I act like I’ve never been a doormat in my life. Honestly I have been doing the long con because people believe that I’m tough and assertive and blah blah blah. It’s only for other people nine times out of ten.

So what has spurred my drive to stop my bullshit? Honestly it’s been the past few days of watching terrible Christmas romances where the main characters have been so much like me. Miserable and hard working and meek. They don’t get their happy endings and everything they deserve until they honestly grow a spine and start doing things for themselves.

I was shook by the concept. Obviously life isn’t a Hallmark fairy tale but I think they might know what they’re talking about this time.

So I’m going to try very very hard to allow myself to be happy. No more forced martyrdom for me thank you very much. I am going to finally live life for me.

I Tried On Every Piece of Clothing I Own After A 40 Pound Weight Loss

Over the past three months I have made a huge lifestyle change and decided to be healthy. Basically was spurred it on was I saw pictures of myself in my childhood best friend’s wedding. The pictures were beautiful. Me? Not so much. I was honestly shook about how I looked and it made me change.

I’ll stop the rambling story there but long story short, I’m down 40 pounds. This means a ton of my clothes that I bought this time last year do not fit anymore and clothes that I haven’t worn because they don’t look as good, fit again.

In one of my more recent mental breakdowns I went into a cleaning fit over my closet. It was a hot mess and had been for honestly a long time.

So it was time to clean this bad boy out and give myself some sense of control again. By the end of this very very VERY long process, I ended up with this pile of clothes to donate.

This is a mixture of clothes that are just way too big and clothes I didn’t want anymore. This doesn’t include the large trash bag of clothes that were so old they aren’t even appropriate to donate.

I think I figured out I had too many clothes.

I made a lot of pleasant discoveries along the way, mostly of clothes that fit again! Here are some of the highlights!

My favorite Hogwarts varsity jacket buttons up again. I’ve had this bad boy since I was a junior in high school and refused to let go of it, even when I could only wear it unbuttoned. So this is one of the happiest discoveries.

These two shirts fit well when I was heavier but now they look even better and right in time for Fall! It was nice to see I could still keep some of my favorite clothes even after the weight loss.

Three of my favorite t shirts fit again!!!! The Panic one hadn’t fit in a long time so I about cried when it fit again. I’m glad that these are able to stay in the collection and I can’t imagine what they’ll look like on me when I lose even more weight!

My Martha Washington shirt fits again! This was my first purchase that led me down the bell sleeve rabbit hole. Glad to see I can put it back in rotation.

Of course, along the way we had some casualties. Some shirts that I love are just too big and had to go much to my dismay.

This is the one I’m the saddest to lose. I loved wearing this top all last Fall to work but now it just hangs limp on me and is zero percent flattering. RIP reasonably priced and dramatic Forever 21 shirt. You will be missed.

So this one is a tough one. My alcoholic Christmas shirt. My hope is that it’ll look like a cute oversized tee when I’ll be smaller at Christmas. It’s being held on to for dear life until I’m proven it’s not salvageable.

Now I’m sure you all are wondering what my closet looked like after the manic deep clean. Well here it is!

Just looking at it again brings me peace. My closet hasn’t been this clean since I moved into my apartment over a year ago.

After everything was packed up, I have four boxes of clothes to donate!

Honestly, this clean out really put me in a good place. It was nice to feel like something in my life was put together even though I wasn’t. It was also nice to see how my hard work has been paying off as more than just a number on a scale going down. It’s moments like these that make me want to keep going on this journey to a better version of me.

I Tried To Make Friends On Bumble and It Went Terrible

I have like five friends. Okay that’s not true, I have like five friends that are local that I see outside of work. Most of my friends since I graduated college have moved to other states or just other areas of my state so I don’t see them a lot. To be perfectly honest, most of my friends I have met at work or still work with me. One of my best friends is my roommate and coworker so in a lot of ways we don’t hang out, we just are around each other 24/7.

I figured it was time to broaden my friendship horizons. Since I am no longer in college, it frankly isn’t as easy to just make friends. I’m going to the same job every day and I clearly do not have club meetings where I can meet new friends. So how do I make friends?

Turn to a dating app of course!

Bumble is a dating app I have very noncommittally because I don’t like having to send the first message, it stresses me out. So an app where I have to talk to the men first isn’t my favorite. I guess the idea is it is supposed to be designed with a more female driven audience and puts women in control. In the attempt to appeal to the millennial woman, Bumble has a BFF section. It is the exact same concept as all the other dating apps. Swipe on someone you find appealing and hope its a match and then hope they answer you. I decided this was how I was going to make friends.


Since it should not matter what my friends look like, I blindly swiped right on everyone. I learned Bumble does not have a limit on right swipes, at least in the BFF section, so I only swiped until my thumb got tired. Out of all my swiping, I didn’t get any matches. I was shook. I became aware that this is probably what men feel like on dating apps. Swiping for hours with no results. I’ll admit, it was disheartening. Still doesn’t give guys the right to be douches but I can kind of see the frustration.

About an hour later I received one match. I was very excited but didn’t want to seem too eager, plus it was time for me to use the sleep.


I woke up to one new friend and a notification that if I paid for Bumble, I could see the two people interested in becoming friends with me that I hadn’t swiped blindly on. It’s a no from me, I’m not paying to take the mystery out of this. Around ten am, I got another two matches. I was over the moon because maybe I could finally make friends.

I ended up talking to two girls on this day. While I was talking to both of them, I became very aware that I do not know how to talk to girls. I also don’t know how to talk on these apps to people who are just friends, not potential partners. It was frankly a really weird middle ground to try to reach.

One girl and I talked about wine but then the conversation died.

Another asked me a lot about my job which led me to be stressed out.

Since it is still Bumble, you only have 24 hours to send a message or the match goes away. I accidentally let two matches expire because I suck.


I woke up and tried to do a bunch more swiping to try to still make friends. Swiped for a long time and again, no immediate matches. The day was busy for me at work so I did not try to talk to anyone. I got some more matches which was nice. Then proceeded to let all of those matches expire because again, I suck. I did more swiping to try to make up for it and RAN OUT OF PEOPLE!

Running out of people was a clear sign that my experiment was over. Since then, I haven’t had any other friend matches. I guess it wasn’t meant to be, having friend’s nearby and outside of work. Oh well.

I Went On A Date with One of Tinder’s Verified Sexiest Men and Then Got Ghosted

This post sounds like an episode of Catfish. I meet a too attractive guy on the internet, he doesn’t live local, he’s smart and sweet, and into me. All red flags lets be real here. But I, Vanessa, bitchy and awkward Vanessa went out on a date with a man who had a blue verification next to his name.

For the sake of his privacy I’ll use the name that my friend called him which was Mr. Pedigree. Mr. Pedigree popped up on my Tinder a few months ago. He seemed cute and his bio was nice and I of course was fascinated by the blue verification symbol. I swiped right and I kind of forgot about him. The first week of August he matched with me and of course I was excited. A People Magazine verified matched with me? I don’t like to send the first message (even though my first blog post says otherwise) but I had to see if it was a fluke.

It wasn’t a fluke.

This guy seemed genuinely interested in me and I liked chatting with him on tinder so when he asked for my number I very willingly gave it. We chatted for about another week till he came into town and he said he wanted to meet with me.

My dumbass agreed

Now this is where things get a little wonky. Mr. Pedigree and I agreed to meet on a Tuesday night since I was off work early. I had no intention of trying to commute from my house into the city in one long trip so I decided to kill some time in a very large Barnes and Noble. I was there for way too long. Like pushing three hours long. Hadn’t heard from him. I was honestly about to turn around and go home because I was so annoyed.

Like magic: I hear from him

He was very apologetic and since he was in town for work and not pleasure, his work took longer than expected. He still wanted to see me and at this point I agreed to have dinner because I wanted to know if I was being catfished or not.

I was not at all being catfished

When we met, I almost turned around and left because this man looked exactly like his pictures and that was intimidating as hell. He was too attractive. Self doubt creeped in and I asked myself why would he want to go out with me.

The dinner itself was honestly terrible. We got sushi and the rolls were too big to eat in one bite and not flavorful, but the talking part was going great.

It was like going out on a date with Clark Kent. Wholesome Midwest boy who is muscular and just didn’t seem at all like the typical fuckboy I love. He even had some dorky glasses. He still wanted to keep talking and at that point at night the only place to go to talk was back to his hotel.

He insisted it wasn’t a trap and I got no stalker or serial killer vibes from him so I decided why the fuck not.

More talking did happen but one thing led to another and we made out.


I absolutely probably could have continued and stayed the night but my sensible ass had to leave so I could catch the last Metro back home. Mr. Pedigree was very nice about it and walked me to the metro and kissed me goodnight. He said he wanted to see me again. Two days later I asked if he wanted to go out Friday and he agreed.


I was devastated. I was ghosted for the first time in my life. I was offended because why would you say you want to see me again and agree to go out and then disappear? Once he returned home I realized he had unmatched me and removed me off of Snapchat.

Thus ends the tale of how I fucked up by not having sex with a Tinder verified hot man and ended up ghosted. The plus side is, I always have bragging rights that I, for at least a night, attracted a Catfish level hot guy.

I Sent the First Message to All My Tinder Matches and It Went Surprisingly Okay

September 3 at 5:50 pm is the exact moment I decided to make my life hell for 24 hours. So I have been a member of the sex dating app Tinder on and off since I was a sophomore in college which is about four years, give or take. I have had zero lasting success in the time I’ve been trapped in the hellscape of online dating. I’ve been feeling bored, I want a change and since Tinder isn’t changing how it operates any time soon, I had to take matters into my own hands.

I decided to send the first message to all the men I’m currently matched with.

This includes men I’ve swiped right on drunk, on accident, or when I just really hated myself. I’m sure you’re wondering how many men was I going to send a message to.

137 MEN!!!!!!!

That’s a lot of fuckboys for me to talk to in 24 hours. Do I hate myself right now? Yes. Am I already regretting this decision? Absolutely. I’m doing it though. I mean as I’m writing this its already been done so there is no turning back now.

The rules are as follows:

  1. No unmatching people I didn’t want to message
  2. No unmatching period so I can see how many men unmatch me for sending the first message
  3. I must answer every man that messages me back
  4. This experiment has to go till 6:00pm on September 4th

So what to send to get the highest amount of responses? Honestly I picked the standard “Hey!!!” because I’m a girl so I don’t honestly have to try that hard for men to answer lets be real here and it’s very easy to copy and paste to send to all my future suitors.


I have received responses from 15 men. No one has unmatched me yet. So I guess we’re doing good. One poor bastard is very confused how we matched since hes currently 222 miles away from me. I don’t have the heart to tell him its because we matched like two months ago.

I forgot to mention, to some very attractive men I sent a gif of Joey saying How You Doin to spice it up a bit. This one did not disappoint.


I got an overwhelming amount of messages. I’m talking like over twenty men texting me. My stress levels were at an all time high trying to tell them apart. Most were incredibly boring and asked the standard “why are you on Tinder?” Conversations like that are why I do not talk to most men past day two.


I woke up to only six messages, which was frankly a relief. No man had unmatched me yet. Honestly I wanted some of them to so I could be free from my mistake. Alas, I must struggle on for the rest of the day.

*insert SpongeBob narrator voice* NINE HOURS LATER

My phone proceeded to go off at work all day with Tinder notifications. My dumbass forgot to screenshot my lock screen to show the madness. I mostly just got new men answering me finally or the men from the night before desperately trying to hold a conversation.

(This was not the honest answer)

The hardest part about this experiment is the random matches that kept appearing throughout the night and day that were not part of the experiment that tried to talk to me. This guy was the highlight of it. The first group of messages was sent in a five minute time frame.


So overall this was not a traumatizing experience like I thought it would be. All the men were either polite and seemed nice to talk to or they bored me. No super provocative messages were received. I lost no matches and gained three thirst follows on Instagram. I’d call that a win in the game of Tinder.