Allowing Myself To Be Happy

I have a hero complex. For the last four years I’ve basically forced myself into martyrdom. I thought it was my place. What I was supposed to do. Sacrifice and sacrifice so others could be happy and successful. I firmly believed I wasn’t meant for happiness and success, I was meant to make sure the world was happy.

What the actual fuck has been wrong with me?

Like how fucked is it that I haven’t been genuinely happy in four years? It’s not even like someone did this to me. I did this to myself. I legitimately have thought that being happy isn’t for me????? Goddamnit Vanessa of the past few years, you’re a dumb bitch. A dumb bitch with a big heart but a dumb bitch regardless.

My motto has been, “I will never take someone’s light to make mine burn bright.”

In theory, an excellent motto about being kind to people. The motto did not mean:

EXTINGUISH YOUR LIGHT SO OTHERS CAN BURN BRIGHT!!!!!!

I’ve legitimately had breakdowns of me mentally abusing myself for trying to do things for me. It’s been a whole lot of yikes for a long time.

I’ve worked at a job tirelessly trying to do everything and fix the problems at the expense of mental health and at the expense of my relationships with people. I’ve not brought up when people have hurt me or done something to wrong me because “they have they’re own issues and I can’t be another thing for them to hate themselves for.”

I’ve been a doormat and I act like I’ve never been a doormat in my life. Honestly I have been doing the long con because people believe that I’m tough and assertive and blah blah blah. It’s only for other people nine times out of ten.

So what has spurred my drive to stop my bullshit? Honestly it’s been the past few days of watching terrible Christmas romances where the main characters have been so much like me. Miserable and hard working and meek. They don’t get their happy endings and everything they deserve until they honestly grow a spine and start doing things for themselves.

I was shook by the concept. Obviously life isn’t a Hallmark fairy tale but I think they might know what they’re talking about this time.

So I’m going to try very very hard to allow myself to be happy. No more forced martyrdom for me thank you very much. I am going to finally live life for me.

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