Allowing Myself To Be Happy

I have a hero complex. For the last four years I’ve basically forced myself into martyrdom. I thought it was my place. What I was supposed to do. Sacrifice and sacrifice so others could be happy and successful. I firmly believed I wasn’t meant for happiness and success, I was meant to make sure the world was happy.

What the actual fuck has been wrong with me?

Like how fucked is it that I haven’t been genuinely happy in four years? It’s not even like someone did this to me. I did this to myself. I legitimately have thought that being happy isn’t for me????? Goddamnit Vanessa of the past few years, you’re a dumb bitch. A dumb bitch with a big heart but a dumb bitch regardless.

My motto has been, “I will never take someone’s light to make mine burn bright.”

In theory, an excellent motto about being kind to people. The motto did not mean:

EXTINGUISH YOUR LIGHT SO OTHERS CAN BURN BRIGHT!!!!!!

I’ve legitimately had breakdowns of me mentally abusing myself for trying to do things for me. It’s been a whole lot of yikes for a long time.

I’ve worked at a job tirelessly trying to do everything and fix the problems at the expense of mental health and at the expense of my relationships with people. I’ve not brought up when people have hurt me or done something to wrong me because “they have they’re own issues and I can’t be another thing for them to hate themselves for.”

I’ve been a doormat and I act like I’ve never been a doormat in my life. Honestly I have been doing the long con because people believe that I’m tough and assertive and blah blah blah. It’s only for other people nine times out of ten.

So what has spurred my drive to stop my bullshit? Honestly it’s been the past few days of watching terrible Christmas romances where the main characters have been so much like me. Miserable and hard working and meek. They don’t get their happy endings and everything they deserve until they honestly grow a spine and start doing things for themselves.

I was shook by the concept. Obviously life isn’t a Hallmark fairy tale but I think they might know what they’re talking about this time.

So I’m going to try very very hard to allow myself to be happy. No more forced martyrdom for me thank you very much. I am going to finally live life for me.

I Tried On Every Piece of Clothing I Own After A 40 Pound Weight Loss

Over the past three months I have made a huge lifestyle change and decided to be healthy. Basically was spurred it on was I saw pictures of myself in my childhood best friend’s wedding. The pictures were beautiful. Me? Not so much. I was honestly shook about how I looked and it made me change.

I’ll stop the rambling story there but long story short, I’m down 40 pounds. This means a ton of my clothes that I bought this time last year do not fit anymore and clothes that I haven’t worn because they don’t look as good, fit again.

In one of my more recent mental breakdowns I went into a cleaning fit over my closet. It was a hot mess and had been for honestly a long time.

So it was time to clean this bad boy out and give myself some sense of control again. By the end of this very very VERY long process, I ended up with this pile of clothes to donate.

This is a mixture of clothes that are just way too big and clothes I didn’t want anymore. This doesn’t include the large trash bag of clothes that were so old they aren’t even appropriate to donate.

I think I figured out I had too many clothes.

I made a lot of pleasant discoveries along the way, mostly of clothes that fit again! Here are some of the highlights!

My favorite Hogwarts varsity jacket buttons up again. I’ve had this bad boy since I was a junior in high school and refused to let go of it, even when I could only wear it unbuttoned. So this is one of the happiest discoveries.

These two shirts fit well when I was heavier but now they look even better and right in time for Fall! It was nice to see I could still keep some of my favorite clothes even after the weight loss.

Three of my favorite t shirts fit again!!!! The Panic one hadn’t fit in a long time so I about cried when it fit again. I’m glad that these are able to stay in the collection and I can’t imagine what they’ll look like on me when I lose even more weight!

My Martha Washington shirt fits again! This was my first purchase that led me down the bell sleeve rabbit hole. Glad to see I can put it back in rotation.

Of course, along the way we had some casualties. Some shirts that I love are just too big and had to go much to my dismay.

This is the one I’m the saddest to lose. I loved wearing this top all last Fall to work but now it just hangs limp on me and is zero percent flattering. RIP reasonably priced and dramatic Forever 21 shirt. You will be missed.

So this one is a tough one. My alcoholic Christmas shirt. My hope is that it’ll look like a cute oversized tee when I’ll be smaller at Christmas. It’s being held on to for dear life until I’m proven it’s not salvageable.

Now I’m sure you all are wondering what my closet looked like after the manic deep clean. Well here it is!

Just looking at it again brings me peace. My closet hasn’t been this clean since I moved into my apartment over a year ago.

After everything was packed up, I have four boxes of clothes to donate!

Honestly, this clean out really put me in a good place. It was nice to feel like something in my life was put together even though I wasn’t. It was also nice to see how my hard work has been paying off as more than just a number on a scale going down. It’s moments like these that make me want to keep going on this journey to a better version of me.